If your partner isn’t communicating well, it can be helpful to start a conversation about it outside of the actual conflict. It’s much harder to accept feedback about your tone or communication methods when you’re already upset and feeling under attack.

So, while things are warm and open between you, let your partner know that you’d like to talk about how the two of you communicate with each other. Let them know what type of communication you want in a relationship by avoiding criticism and instead focusing on what you want from them.

This may help explain why certain adjustments will help you. For example, “It’s harder for me to understand what you’re saying when you start raising your voice because I’m starting to feel very active.”

Be sure to ask your partner about things you could improve. Come up with a plan for how you can ground yourself with these guidelines when conflict arises, whether that means pausing for a moment to recalibrate or holding a post-argument debriefing session to discuss how you could improve your communication during him

If you’re struggling to have productive conversations about your relationship as a couple, don’t be afraid to schedule a session or two with a couples therapist who can help you have some of these conversations.